While writing this, Millie was listening to... Outro: Her by BTS! She recommends you also blast some tunes while reading. :3
I still remember the Millie from last year.
That Millie was blonde, which totally washed out her skin color and made her look sick all the time.
She wore eyeliner every single day, even though she was really bad at it and it usually made her slanted eyes look even smaller.
She smiled a lot but also cried a lot.
And she was also lost.
Really, really lost.
I would go between being ok and not ok at the snap of a finger, and I felt like my life was just a summation of extreme highs and lows without any feelings ever being able to stay permanently. I felt so unstable all the time. School wasn't easy for me either. I went through a lot last year, and had to work on myself a huge amount in order to even come to terms with who I was.
I remember crying a lot, almost every night, alone in my room because of the pressure of moving here to LA. I was the one who singlehandedly managed to persuade my entire family to move across the country, all just for one puny little dream that had grown inside my heart, one of stages and blinding lights and melodrama.
But now, my mom was sick, my family was always fighting, my brother was failing school, and it was all my fault.
I couldn't even accomplish what I came here to do - to chase after my dream of acting.
I honestly still have these types of thoughts all the time. I still think about what would've been if I hadn't moved my family away from everything we knew, what would've been if I had just given up on this little seedling of ambition and desperate wanting. If this new life that I lead is worth the strife and suffering that I had to subject myself and my family to.
And most of all, I wonder whether I will ever truly succeed in accomplishing my mission. Over these past two years of living in LA, my once crystal clear dream has become hazy, and as I squint my eyes, I watch it morph and change and transform in front of me. It's like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.
Although I will never stop acting and performing, I also have new passions that I love and want to pursue as well, and I see this as a good thing, because the wider the spectrum of experiences I can take from this world while I'm here, the better.
I found that on my worst days, when the pounding rain won't stop in my head, I just need to get out of bed, get out of my cycle of depression, and immerse myself in something new. I found that many of us humans are built to love learning, to love accomplishing something, and feeling proud of ourselves. Self-love and acceptance is the fuel that our brain runs off of.
So when I don't feel strong or smart or good enough, I burrow myself into something new, whether that be something as simple as a new TV show, posting an instagram reel for the first time, or trying a new food (I've recently been working on increasing my spice tolerance :)), or something bigger like organizing a rally, taking up a job at a museum, or even creating my own online magazine- these new experiences that I have welcomed into my life have taught me that I hold a huge amount of power when I set my mind on achieving something.
To this day, I still don't know all the answers, and even if I did, I don't think it would satisfy my lesser insecure self, and with time that part of me would find some other new insecurities to replace the old ones.
I've stopped holding myself to an inhuman standard and trying to carry the pressure of an entire system of four people on my own back. My family has shown me that they're strong enough to overcome their own obstacles, and they've been by my side all this time, supporting me even though they each are going through a lot, especially my mom.
Now, I can proudly say with assurance that alongside my dream, I've morphed and changed and transformed. I am a butterfly, coming out of its cocoon, entering the most beautiful moments of its life.
Looking at the road ahead of me, I know it's not going to be easy, and even now I have my hard days. There are still a lot of mean people, especially strangers on the internet. There is still a lot to work on within me, in no way am I perfect.
But I know that even when it feels like my world is ending, there is still going to be a tomorrow. And when there's a tomorrow, there's hope.
But here's the real question: What does this have to do with With Love Millie? Can this blog cure depression or something?
Well, I can't promise you anything, but I can at least bring you some hope.
Hope for a better tomorrow, because I know what it feels like to not want to go on.
Hope for us, to hold on to whenever we need it.
Hope for today, starting right now.
Together let's enter my world, lillie land, all encapsulated within just this one site. Spend some time here, and let's have a good day. And as always I write this
With love,
Millie.