I know, it's already past Halloween, but I just have to show you guys my costume this year:
(In case you can't tell, I am the one friend who didn't get the cute Halloween costume memo and came as a character from a musical in my normal theatre kid fashion. Yes, I'm the one on the right in all photos, dressed as Evan from Dear Evan Hansen.)
But in tandem with the costume, I also just HAD to write a comedy sketch around Dear Evan Hansen, both my favorite and least favorite musical of all time.
If you want to know why, I'd like for you to refer to this review of the DEH movie by Jenny Nicholson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8quWUSZCW5g
Either way, without further ado (please don't be too mean, this is just a brainchild of 2 AM Millie ruminating on going through a day as Evan Hansen), here is my comedy sketch based on one of the last and most famous scenes of DEH, the Words Fail scene.
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*TW: mentions of death, suicide, drug usage & violence*
We open on a stressful night in the Murphy family living room. They are being bombarded with death threats and hate comments online due to the just-released suicide letter of their son, Connor Murphy. Evan Hansen, a troubled teenage boy who is the boyfriend of Zoe Murphy, is also present, and hiding a big secret.
CYNTHIA MURPHY, reading from off her phone. “I can’t believe you guys let your son die. He might have been a stoner, and now he’ll never get the chance to pass a joint again. I hope you and your entire bloodline gets karma for this, you ugly privileged ableists.”
Oh my god Larry, this person “Free Puffs for Connor” on Twitter just called us privileged. We need to call the police!!
LARRY MURPHY. We can’t call the police on the Internet, honey.
Beat.
Ok, “Free Puffs for Connor” just found our IP address, and he said he’s going to come murder the rest of our family tonight.
CYNTHIA MURPHY. Oh my god. We’re all going to die.
ZOE MURPHY, picking up her phone. Hello?
VOICE ON THE PHONE. Hey Zoe, it’s me, Chadwick. Don’t you dare tell people we dated, ok?! I used to think you were too good for a guy who looks like Ben Platt, but now that I know what you did I just feel sorry for him bro. But don’t tell people we dated, or else they’re gonna think I’m also psychotic and kick me out of the Boy Scouts-
Zoe ends the call, obviously disturbed. Everyone in the room clearly heard Chadwick's message.
CYNTHIA MURPHY. Was that Chadwick?
ZOE MURPHY. Yes.
LARRY MURPHY. I thought he was a nice kid. I even took him to the Trump rally last year.
CYNTHIA MURPHY. Aw, sweetie, are you alright?
ZOE MURPHY. I’m fine.
CYNTHIA MURPHY. Are you sure?
ZOE MURPHY, suddenly angry and clearly not fine. I said I’m fine!!!
CYNTHIA MURPHY. Sweetie, I didn’t mean anything bad-
LARRY MURPHY. Okay; everyone just needs to calm down-
ZOE MURPHY. I’M JUST SO TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING I DOWNGRADED WITH EVAN HANSEN- IT WASN’T A FREAKING DOWNGRADE-
CYNTHIA MURPHY. ZOE, STOP RAISING YOUR VOICE, IT’S TRIGGERING MY ANXIETY-
The three of them argue, yelling over each other chaotically, before:
EVAN HANSEN. SILENCE!!!!
The Murphy’s stop yelling.
EVAN HANSEN. I’m sorry, I just- I can’t- I can’t do this anymore.
The letter that was published isn’t Connor’s suicide letter.
It’s mine.
LARRY MURPHY. Don’t say that Evan.
CYNTHIA MURPHY. I’m so sorry Evan. You don’t have to do this.
ZOE MURPHY. Evan, what did I say about making suicide jokes, they’re not funny.
EVAN HANSEN. No, I’m serious.
I lied about this whole thing. Everything.
I’m not Connor’s friend, I didn’t even really know him.
The letter was just a therapy assignment where I wrote a letter to myself. You know, “Dear Evan Hansen”? “Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why”? Yeah, that was my therapy assignment.
CYNTHIA MURPHY. What?
EVAN HANSEN, timidly singing. I never meant to make it such a mess~
LARRY MURPHY. How could you do this to us?
EVAN HANSEN, still singing. I never had this kind of thing before~
ZOE MURPHY. Oh my god. Oh my god.
EVAN HANSEN, getting really into it now. No mom, who was just there because-
ZOE MURPHY, cutting him off. Okay, Evan, why are you singing?
EVAN HANSEN. I- I don’t know. I just thought it might help with the mood of the room-
ZOE MURPHY. Evan, you posted your therapy letter online saying it was my brother’s suicide letter!
EVAN HANSEN. I know, I know. I’m sorry.
ZOE MURPHY. This is crazy. I cannot believe that I actually dated you. Just wait until Chadwick hears about this.
EVAN HANSEN. No, Zoe, please. Don’t go back to Chadwick. Connor wouldn’t have wanted this.
ZOE MURPHY. How do you know what Connor would have wanted?!!
EVAN HANSEN. Um…well…
He starts singing again.
He said, there’s nothing like your smile, sort of subtle, and perfect, and real.
ZOE MURPHY. Wait.
EVAN HANSEN. He said, you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel.
ZOE MURPHY. No. Please, no.
EVAN HANSEN. If I could tell her, tell her everything I see~
ZOE MURPHY. YOU PRETENDED YOU KNEW CONNOR SO YOU COULD DATE ME, DIDN’T YOU?!
EVAN HANSEN continues singing over Zoe's breakdown. If I could tell her, how she’s everything to me-
ZOE MURPHY. YOU MESSED UP PIECE OF CRAP!! YOU TOLD ME TWO MONTHS AGO THAT CONNOR SAID ALL THESE THINGS ABOUT ME, BUT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!
EVAN HANSEN. -but we’re a million worlds apart-
ZOE MURPHY. I KNEW IT! I FREAKING KNEW IT, WHY DID I GIVE UP MY POPULARITY TO DATE YOU YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP?!! UGH, DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I SACRIFICED FOR YOU?!
I HAD TO UNFRIEND CHADWICK BECAUSE YOU SAID HE FREAKING BULLIED YOU!!
CYNTHIA MURPHY. Zoe Murphy, enough!!
LARRY MURPHY. Yeah, stop picking on Evan! We don’t know if he’s mentally stable right now!
CYNTHIA MURPHY. Evan, honey, you didn’t mean everything you just said, right?
EVAN HANSEN. No, I did. I really faked a friendship with your dead son, and exploited your feelings for my own benefit.
But there’s a reason why.
He takes a deep breath. The Murphy’s wait expectantly for his answer.
EVAN HANSEN, singing soulfully. I’ve learned to slam on the brake.
ZOE MURPHY. Oh my god-
CYNTHIA MURPHY. -don’t use the lord’s name in vain, Zoe-
EVAN HANSEN. Before I even turn the key.
LARRY MURPHY. Wait, what is he grabbing from his pocket-
EVAN HANSEN. Before I make the mistake. Before I lead with the worst of me.
Slowly, EVAN pulls out a gun from his back pocket, pointing it at the Murphy’s.
CYNTHIA MURPHY. Oh my lord Jesus.
LARRY MURPHY. Son, I’m gonna have you put down the gun-
EVAN HANSEN, in speaking voice. -Shut up you privileged ableist.
Ok, nobody speak while I sing this next part, or else I’ll shoot us all dead.
He starts belting.
ON THE OUTSIDE ALWAYS LOOKING IN WILL I, EVER BE MORE THAN I’VE ALWAYS BEEN-
Suddenly, we hear banging on the front door.
VOICE. It’s the police, we got a call about "Free Puffs for Connor?" Open up the door now!
EVAN HANSEN. -CAUSE I’M TAP TAP TAPPING ON THE GLASS-
POLICE. This is your final warning. Come out or we’re coming in!
EVAN HANSEN. -I’M WAVING THROUGH A WINDOW-
POLICE, bursting through the door. Ok, everyone, hands up or else we shoot!
Directed to Evan Hansen.
You sir, drop your weapon now!
EVAN HANSEN. Wow. You guys just never want a boy going through a hard time to feel a singular ounce of happiness, do you? You just want me to wither away, waving through a window, like a poor little plant without enough sunlight. What happened to "You Will Be Found?"
POLICE. Sir, I’m only going to ask you one more time, put your weapon down now!
Evan Hansen reluctantly drops his gun to the floor and puts his hands up.
POLICE. Ok sir, I’m going to need you to state your association with this family here.
EVAN HANSEN, singing. Well, it all began in the end of May or early June. This picture perfect afternoon we shared~
POLICE. Go on.
EVAN HANSEN. Drive the winding country road, grab a scoop at A La Mode, and then we’re there~
POLICE. Go on.
The Murphy's try to intervene, shocked at the police's reaction. The policeman puts up a hand to stop them.
EVAN HANSEN. All we see is sky, for forever~
POLICE joins in.
EVAN AND POLICE. Cause the sun shines bright for forever~
EVERYONE. We could be alright for forever this way~
Two friends on a perfect day!
POLICE. Ok sir, I was going to charge you for manslaughter and threat of murder, but after that beautiful song, you’re free to go.
EVAN HANSEN. Thank you sir, I really appreciate it.
POLICE. Young man, I hope you know this- no matter how serious the problem, you can always sing your way out of it.
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I hope you all enjoyed my little sketch! Thanks for reading to the end, and feel free to leave reactions or thoughts in the comments :)
With Love,
Millie