Cats 3 the musical is going on Broadway. The casting director is finishing up notes on the previous group. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Thanks for auditioning, now scram.

 

Okay, well, nothing much has changed. Still nobody good enough to be casted.

 

Enter Derrick, Trina and Sprinkledust. 

 

 DERRICK. Good morning.

 

TRINA. Hi, glad to be here! 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. All right, why don’t we get started then! I just wanted to remind you that you did NOT have to come dressed as your character, so, umm, Sprinkledust? Is it? Could you maybe remove the makeup and… umm, dried leaves? 

 

Beat. No response. Sprinkledust is consumed in cutting something out of tissues. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Okay. 

 

Do we maybe want to start out with slates? How about, um, Rothbart first? 

 

DERRICK. It’s actually Derrick. The R, the O, the T, the H, the B, the A and the T are silent, and there’s an unwritten D in the beginning there. So, hi everyone, my name is Derrick, I have been an actor for a while now, went to art school, got my first girlfriend, the hottest girl in her grade! Those were the days. She kept telling me to wait, since I was already 19 and three quarters, and she told me she was underage. Like age could keep love apart! I got her to hang out with me though, and eventually she came round, made me keep our relationship private until she told me she was pregnant. And we couldn’t get an abortion, since Bishop Marcus would’ve thrown us out of church, so that was when I knew I had to leave her, you know- 

 

Djerrick becomes too emotional to continue. He turns off his camera but remains unmuted, you can hear him cry in the background. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Alright Derrick, that’s enough for now. Thanks. How about we hear from you, Trina?

 

TRINA. Ok! So, my name is Trina Weinerhaus, I am 22 years old, height is 5 foot 4 inches. I am represented by Rosette Entertainment Agency, and I will be performing a monologue from-

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Good, good. Thank you Trina, I’m sure you meant well, but I will actually be giving out sides. 

 

TRINA. But I read that- 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Yes, yes. You also read that you would be paid for dancing around in furry leotards, which is not true. The assistant directors are full of shit. The only thing you’re getting out of this is a free samples ticket for the food stations at Costco, so-

 

Pauses, recollects themselves, gives everyone a tight, very forced smile. 

 

Ok, next slater- Sprinkledust?

 

SPRINKLEDUST, murmuring incoherently. I am Sprinkledust of the shadow clan. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. What was that? We can’t hear you. 

 

SPRINKLEDUST, a little louder this time. I am here to avenge my father. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. You’re going to have to speak up, son. 

 

SPRINKLEDUST, in the loudest voice possible. I am Sprinkledust of the shadow clan. Former clan representative, private first class of the dark alliance, dishonorable discharge January 27th, 2057. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. It says here you’re a minor. Can I get the contact information for your parents? 

 

SPRINKLEDUST. My mother died moments after extracting me from her womb. She looked at me and my four other quintuplets, all so small and whining. Only I watched silently as she murmured her last words, begging my father to give her one last piece of meat. She didn’t know that he had secretly eaten all of the meat stash the night before. I saw his claw come up behind my eldest sister's head, and it came down with a squelching sound, and blood pooled over the surface. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. I’m going to have to stop you there, seeing that you’re going somewhere none of us want to go. Let’s get to the sides now before my wife calls and I have to go back home to get verbally harassed and eat dry meatloaf. God, I hate my life. 

 

Pauses, recollects themselves, gives everyone a tight, very forced smile. 

 

Alright,why don’t we start with Derrick. I’ll read Jellicle #66, and you’ll be reading for Virginsnatcher. 

 

Should’ve known you defaulted back to your old habit of snatching little human girls from their families, Virginsnatcher. How could you do this to us? You’re putting all the jellicles at risk. 

 

DERRICK. I don’t know man, I just can’t stop. You don’t understand how much she means to me. 

 

Beat.

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Derrick, you’re supposed to be reading the-

 

DERRICK. I know, Bishop Marcus! I know that this isn’t where I planned to be, that this means I can’t become a priest anymore. I know this means I’ll have to stop learning how to read for a while to support my little Edna as her boyfriend and our child’s father. But I really love her, and I’m willing to give everything up for her. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Hold on! Derrick, you don’t know how to read? 

 

Derrick comes out of his trance. 

 

DERRICK. No, sir. I do not. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. What the hell?! Who let him in here?!! 

 

Good fucking lord, they’re just letting anyone in here these days! 

 

How am I supposed to do my job if you can’t read?! 

 

DERRICK (in the smallest voice possible). Don’t use the Lord's name in vain. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Do not tell me what to Jesus-fucking-God-fucking-Holy-spirit-fucking do! 

 

If you can’t read, Derrick, why are you here? 

 

DERRICK. I wanna be famous. My ex girlfriend told me I would never be famous. So I want to prove her wrong.

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Oh my lord and savior, that is the shallowest response I’ve ever heard. 

 

But kudos for telling the truth there. We might as well just move on to-

 

DERRICK. I know a secret about the lead deacon at my church- he’s gay. I saw him touch one of the little boys in the -

 (mouths the word, too childish to say it out loud) PENIS

in Bible study. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. What was that? 

 

DERRICK, (mouthing the word again). PENIS. 

 

He begins to gesture, trying to summon up everything that a penis does. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. I still don’t understand. Did you stop learning how to speak halfway through your career as well? 

 

Never mind. The word can remain a mystery. Pretend I never asked. 

 

Derrick’s gestures become more and more inappropriate. 

 

Everyone else, please ignore him and hopefully he’ll eventually stop on his own. Trina? You’re up. I see you got called back for Marbledrump. Since she pretty much only sings, I’m gonna give you a passage to sing. 

 

TRINA. But- I auditioned for a speaking role. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Does it really matter? 

 

TRINA. Well, no, but-

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Then let’s get on with it! 

 

TRINA. But I can’t-

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. I said, get on with it! 

 

Accompaniment begins playing. 

 

TRINA. Memory all alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember

The time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Alright, that’s it! I can’t take it anymore! Accompanist, stop playing! 

 

Why didn’t you tell us you couldn’t sing? 

 

TRINA. That’s what I was-

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Oh, forget it! Let’s just get this over with. Next auditioner! 

 

Sprinkledust is murmuring a chant. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Sprinkledust? Sprinkledust! 

 

SPRINKLEDUST! 

 

Sprinkledust stops chanting, looks up. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Sprinkledust, I have you down for the role of Paggywaddle, the homeless reject cat?

 

SPRINKLEDUST. You. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. What?

 

SPRINKLEDUST. It was you who killed my father, Tiberius II, leader of the shadow warriors and founder of the dark alliance. 

 

And you will suffer for it. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. I’m sorry, what?

 

SPRINKLEDUST. I am Sprinkledust of the shadow clan, daughter of Tiberius II, last surviving heir to the dark throne. 

 

He was framed for the death of the young princeling, accused since we were nothing but beggars! We would sooner hunt down each of my fallen brothers and sisters, ensnare their hides, and gobble them into our bellies than hurt a princeling! 

 

But they wouldn’t listen. Though I knew when I saw his body it was run over by a large, galloping structure, a mountainish beast, perhaps a-

 

TRINA. A car?

 

SPRINKLEDUST. Quiet, plebeian. He was ran over by a mountainish beast, going at the speed of light. 

 

And you. You were inside of that beast! You were controlling its mind.

 

And it was you that killed the young heir to the dark alliance throne, and left my family disgraced. 

 

And for my people, and for my honor, may you rot in the cages of hell, and your blood flow down the river Styx for all to see as my father’s did. 

 

I will bash your brains in!

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Calm down, calm down Sprinkledust! Security! Can we get security over here! 

 

I haven’t had a day off in 5 years. I need a break. 

 

Sprinkledust, whilst being handcuffed. 

 

SPRINKLEDUST. Aside, guards! Let me challenge this man to a duel to the death! 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. I recommend you take her to a psychiatric hospital, or an insane asylum, just make sure she can’t get out. 

 

SPRINKLEDUST. This will not be the last time we meet, you alberfrother! I will avenge my father, and restore my clan’s honor, all with your-

 

She cuts off. She’s been taken out of the room by security. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Not my worst day in the office. 

 

Oh yeah, you two. Thanks for auditioning, now scram.

 

Tina and Derrick turn off their cams. 

 

CASTING DIRECTOR. Looks like they were the last group. 

 

Well, my doubts have been affirmed. There’s not a single actor that I can cast. 

 

I guess I’ll just act the role myself. I’ve always felt a calling to the stage. Meow.